He and I are done. Done done done. I could probably say that word a zillion more times. But part of me wishes that we wern’t over. I still miss him despite everything we went through. I still find myself yearning for his embrace at nght. It’s cool though. It’ll get better. I know. I just don’t like the way it ended. It had to end though. I haven’t really gotten the closure that I needed though seeing as though I really wish that I could tell him off and punch him in the face for not not being honest with me. It hurt. I got played and that is not cool. I don’t know…it still doesn’t sit well with me.
Then on top of that, my feelings for ol boy are coming back. In vain though because he only likes me if I’m DTF. I’ve gone from ‘bestfriend’ to dayummm I wanna smash that ass. Sadly, that’s all he wants out of me. He doesn’t know I exist unless my ass is in view or discussion. I hate it. I used to get texts and mentions but once word got back to him that I wasn’t just trying to have sex with him, I actually liked him, he acts like I don’t exist. And why do I have feelings for this kid? I have no idea. I do know that they’re not as strong as before though but dang….they creep up on me. It’s last summer alllllll over again.
But then there’s a new guy. I don’t know about him just yet. I have stressed that I’m not “bout that life” and yet….he still wants to just be with me. We can stay up all night/morning and talk about anything and everything. He texts me first and we talk everyday. He wants to hit but I’ve said no and he STILL respects me. I think that’s what’s making me cautious. Ever since the last two, I have some serious trust issues. I feel like any second now he’s gonna dissappear and forget I exist all because I’m not trying to have sex with him. And don’t get me wrong I’m not against it but sex is connected to feelings wich control emotions which I cannot get caught up in right now. I’m still nursing wounds. Therefore I’ve taken on this newfounnd act of celibacy. No sex untill I feel safe enough to give into emotions that are bound to come along with it. But so far he’s great. A nice guy to keep me company during those lonely weekends when everyone else is boo’d up. Not a boo thang, just…a companion. We’ll see how llong this lasts….hopefully all summer :)
This is hard. Harder than I ever expected it to be. I thought that you could stop caring about someone with ease if they didn’t care about you the same way. Wait, no, I guess I knew it was going to be somewhat difficult because I’ve been here before. Last summer I was broken. The thought of him not caring about me was tough because I had created such a strong emotional bond with him. He became a part of my heart and for that to be gone so quickly was too much for me. Now here I am, a year later in a similar situation. Same shit, different guy. Except this time, it’s so overbearing because not only did I get attached emotionally, I got attached physically. We were deep. He had a “side” on my bed. We shared so much. I was there for him whenever he needed me to be and I felt that that was enough. He never committed, he never expressed himself to me, he never took us seriously, and despite all of the signs, I allowed myself to fall for him. Six months…six fucking months. I risked a friendship for the thought of an “us” and for what? To be laying in my bed crying every night because I miss the way he held me when we layed together? I cry so much. I cry when I look at his side of the bed and he’s not there. I cry when I look at my phone when I wake up in the morning and there is no good morning text. I cry when I reminisce on how things were in the beggining and compare them to how they are now. I cry when I hear The Dream because I remember how he loved his songs. I cry when I hear Drake songs that he used to sing to me to make me smile. I cry when I look at the tiger blanket that we slept under every time he came over. But most often, I cry when I remember that all of these memories were only apart of the illusion. I was just an “In the meantime” girl. The feelings he has for her are still there and always will be because of their son. I was supposed to be the girl that was good for him until he found his way back to her. Unfortunately, I do posses a little dignity. It’s enough to keep me from staying in this situation. No matter how hard the getting over him part it, my brain will not let me get mistreated for long. I only wish my brain could heal the wounds of my heart and wipe the tears from my eyes.
I want him here. I want him to lay on his side of the bed, the side closest to the wall. I want him to wait for me to get out of the shower and then watch me, smiling, as I tidy up my room preparing to join him under the covers. I want him to start to fall asleep, and then as I slide into bed next to him I want him to silghtly wake up, smile, and then pull me tight next to him. I want him to wrap both arms around me and rest his face in my neck, lightly kissing me. My neck, my cheek, and then as I turn my face towards him, I want him to softly kiss my lips. As we sleep I want him to keep me in his embrace. I want him to notice my restluessness and ask if I’m ok. I’ll tell him yes, I’m only trying to get warm. I want him to tell me that I should take off my shirt so that I’ll feel more of his body heat. I’ll agree and then I want him to pull me in even closer and I want to feel his chest on my back. I want to feel his chest rise and fall as he inhales and exhales. I want him to ask me if I’m ok now and I’ll say yes, thank you. I want him to say no problem and softly kiss me a few times on my neck and shoulders as he rubs my arms and lulls me back to sleep. I want to wake up to several times during the night only to rediscover that I am still in his arms. I want that moment. That moment where I feel safe, loved, wanted, and needed all at the same time. I want him. Right now.
Yet it’s 3:20am and I’m in bed alone. I want a replay of the other day.
I have a 1500 word paper due tuesday. I should be starting it now seeing as though I’d have to crank it out tomorrow after my 4 hour drive back home. But no. I’m blogging. I haven’t even watched the videos for the paper. FML. All I want to do is lay here and think about him and how I’ll see him this week and we’ll be together and we’ll be cuddled up and we’ll kiss, and we’ll play fight, and play batman, and laugh, and *sigh* yeah…that’s all I want to think about. Not stupid classwork. Ok. Maybe I’ll get started. I’ll at least look at the videos. Yeah. Then I’m going to take a nice hot shower and go to sleep.
